@MrSandeepP: *offers Batman cough drops*
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@cbdoubleu: [Going through rubble after a house fire] Her [holding photo albums]: Totally ruined. Me [holding slices of bread]: Pretty much toast.
@SirEviscerate: *dumps more fleas on my head* *sits back down in front of chimpanzee* So, anyway, like I was saying...
@carpetislava: BIDEN: How come you've never shown ME the swamp? OBAMA: Drain the swamp is a metaphor, Joe. BIDEN: Where will Shrek live?
@Yair_Rosenberg: Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn't do before. Like trolling the Nazis: