*offers Batman cough drops*
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I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
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Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.