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@Playing_Dad: *offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
@freezingsheep: If I hear a bang when I'm driving I just assume I broke the sound barrier.
Not sure where all these dents are coming from though.
@ReeseButCallMeV: OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
@ArfMeasures: ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
@HEYWATCHMETWEET: Sex is a lot like chess. It takes strategy, patience, there's a horse there, the queen is watching.
@ArfMeasures: [Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?
BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me