*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
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I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
When he asks for feet pics
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
turning my gender off to conserve energy
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.