:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
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If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
I hate my earbuds.