Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
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Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!