[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
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We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
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Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now