[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
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Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me