every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
You Might Also Like
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
grotesque if literal: baby food
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Google Pay be like:
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
felt cute might bury dad later idk
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.