[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
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[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Love is in the air fryer.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great