[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
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The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Blew my mind.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
can you read it!!??
maan!
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.