[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
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2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
I might carry a baby with one hand.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.