[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
You Might Also Like
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
My therapist after every session
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.