[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
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I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday