[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
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[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
We’ve come full circle
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years