With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
You Might Also Like
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.