*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
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I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Bike is short for Bichael.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
my lower back watching me try to live my life