Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
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Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?