My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
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How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
first you must answer his riddles
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?