Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
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HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Every. Damn. Time.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.