Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
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This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean