Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
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Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.