Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
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I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
My background check bounced.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
“no gods no masters” = leo
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it