Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
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nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!