@MomofTeen: It's been six years since my job interview. I'm beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

@BestWorstAdvice: I'm beginning to think that Judas Priest might not be a Christian rock band.

@Bacon_Ball: Twitter was down for a couple of hours but I didn't panic at all. I dialed 911 and calmly told them "people are about to die". Then Hung up.

@david8hughes: [bank] I'd like to pay this into my account [empties pockets full of cat teeth] OMG I'm so sorry [takes card back] that's the wrong account

@minnie_in_pink7: I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.