@vanderheydensax: Me: Got any baby aspirin? Clerk: No, we're out Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye* Clerk: Sir– Me: DON'T RUSH THEM!

@thedailymarker: Husband getting dressed: Me: Purple and green don't go together. Husband: It works for the Joker. Me: My point exactly.

@Bob_Heller: "May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?" "Um, there's no such thing." "There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!"

@Cheeseboy22: I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it's the scientists that aren't washing their hands?

@Ristolable: He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor