As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
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One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
broke down and did it
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”