Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
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medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”