Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
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[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit