Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
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teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
I’m tired tomorrow.
The “baby” on the left….
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.