Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
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ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]