” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
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if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment