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I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*