No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
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i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort