officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
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Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry