A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
You Might Also Like
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
found my next D&D character name
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
My life in a nutshell
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW