Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
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For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
you have three unread messages
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space