Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
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My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
😜
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
I really had high hopes for this year though
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.