Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
You Might Also Like
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.