Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
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Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.