Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
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Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?