Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
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I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I know
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn