Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
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The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby