[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
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“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
😩😩😩
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks