officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
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So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued