Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
You Might Also Like
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*