Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
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Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
I hope this email finds you in a well
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.