Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
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Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.