Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
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[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
😂 amazing answer