[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
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There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*