Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
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I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Botany good plants lately?
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.