art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
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COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
#Caturday
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
lol
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car