@Moanhamed: OH AND JUST FYI.... THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
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@therealeatwood: [Biker gang] ME: Do we or do we not ride our bikes at the same speed? BIKER: OK, but you need to stop saying we “synchronize our cycles.”
@notalogin: Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says 'you're a joke' you can say 'the joke's on you' and disarm the situation.
@KenJennings: Friday night is my weekly time to ponder...which do I hate more: my friends, or having to make new friends?
@thejamietighe: Boss: Why is there an olive in your water? Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.