OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
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If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.